Turning 40….Beep Beep

I turned 40 last October, I can’t say I was looking forward to it, I just wanted it to come and go and be over with. I spent the day mustering sheep way out west and didn’t want any kind of fan fare. Similar I guess to when I turned 30 only this time I didn’t have a melt down nor did I fall into a deep depression that lasted for months on end. Now that the ‘turning 40’ part has pasted I am excited about this crazy cool decade. Its a weird feeling when you are coming to the end of a decade, I do a lot of self analysis, I look at all the things I have done all the things I though I would have done but didn’t. I’d go through those feelings of sadness and excitement knowing it didn’t turn out how I thought, some bits were not as good and others were way better than I could have imagined. I was disappointed I never became a singing superstar, but I did travel right around Australia on a trike (three wheeled motorbike) with my husband and two boys which I could never have imagined would be possible. So where to now, I mean the entire rest of my life is out there waiting to be lived so I got a bit serious. My number one thing continued to be moving closer every day to God…. closer and closer to Him because He is my river the life source of all that I need. All those cravings and all that emptiness I have sort to satisfy with stuff, with career, with money and achievements is found in Him, plus He is the only one who truly loves me unconditionally and will never ever no matter what happens stop loving me, or ever leave me. Weird because I have felt deserted along the way many times, which I will talk about another day, but He was still there. So to really get my 40’s chugging along I knew if things are going to be different I could not keep doing the same things and expect different results. I realised one of my major hangups was my fear of what people thought, I needed peoples affirmation, I wouldn’t have admitted it, but really its cool getting followed on instagram and liked on Facebook. Maybe Im alone in that, but I really needed a purging of my need to engage these platforms continuously and I needed to engage the free goodness that was on offer to me. I needed to engage my spirit man and feed on the heavenliness of Jesus. I needed to saturate there for a long while……. Bit trippy, a bit weird for you?? Well it was a bit weird for me too. I had been building an online presence for a while, for my business, my creative exploits and myself. Lots of things all about me, hahahah and it was just about to be all shut down as I proactively moved in this upwards direction. So practically what did it look like? Well, for three months I drank no alcohol. Maybe for you this isn’t an issue, but I come from a culture of drinking. We drink to celebrate to commiserate, we drink when we are happy, when we are depressed, when a baby is born and when the dog fetches the ball, we actually really don’t even need any excuse at all. So this was BIG for me. Secondly I deactivated my Facebook account. Now this also may seem lame, especially to anyone who isn’t on Facebook, but it felt like I was killing off a piece of me, like chopping off my right arm, yes thats weird, but its completely true. Thirdly I deleted from my phone, all other social media accounts. It felt like I had boarded a plane and got off in a foreign land 200 years ago with no people and no mobile service. BUT with all that, it had begun.

I had taken a step of faith, thats what its called when you move towards a place where you would like to get to but you are not totally sure of all the details or how its going to work out. We know in our heart the things we need to do to change, but we are just not doing them. I made excuses but excuses didn’t change me. In fact all my excuses have never got me anywhere good, they may have got me out of something bad for a while, but excuses are rooted in the past and thats over and done with. If I am going to get anywhere good then I am going to have to start listening to the sweet whispers inside, those whispers from heaven and move in the positive direction they are leading me. So off I went, 3 months of crazy connections with my Creator, three months of understanding even more about myself and embracing the creator that was in me. Times of coming to terms with my past…again, regrets, mistakes, etc etc. I had to keep laying all that shit down day after day and then remembering not to pick it up again. Its done with, the past that is, its over and gone and there is not a damm thing I can do about it. I was getting more and more revelation about the Cross, the one that Jesus died on, and what it means, what it actually bought for me. MY FREEDOM!! But of course all these discoveries all these things created more questions, like ‘Why was this freedom not a reality for everyone?’ It has been my lifetime search for answers and in hindsight I am getting answers every day and always have been, yet there still remains so much mystery. Its like a big game, and if I choose to play it I can be filled with joy or not. It sure is a lot more fun if I am not pissed off all the time.

So thats enough of all that, more revelation tomorrow, but for now I would encourage you to just move in the direction you know you need to go to live bigger and better. Even if you are not sure how, just take one step. I am back on Facebook and all that other stuff again, the world didn’t collapse without my likes and for the most part I don’t think anyone even noticed I was gone. It was actually completely liberating, experience. I had some awesome conversations with complete strangers when I normally would have been looking at my phone and I have connected with my spirit and the realm I was designed to function in on a super crazy level. Loving life….. hard bits and all. xxxx